As Told By Felicia

If you and I had coffee, we would likely get a table outside. Mask mandates have been lifted here, so we would be able to feel a bit "normal" while sitting at a coffee shop with our drinks. I would probably put way too much creamer or syrup in my coffee, and you'd tease me and ask if I want some coffee with my cream. I'd roll my eyes but laugh because you're right. I love me a good indulgent coffee. It's the one "unhealthy" thing I won't budge on.  We would catch up, since it's probably been a really long time since we have gotten together in person. We'd agree that while facetime/ Zoom chats were an okay substitute, nothing compares to face-to-face girl time.  I'd tell you about how the weight on my shoulders feels a bit less "heavy" even though every now and again there are still some really dark days. I would admit that though they don't come as frequently anymore, they do come out of the blue. I'd talk about how

 I am proud of myself.  It's been a while since I have said or thought this about myself: I'm really proud of Me.  For moving my body, spending time outside, taking the time to do my hair, picking out outfits I feel pretty in, opening the curtains to let the light in the house.  I'm proud of myself for trying my best to smile more, journaling when I need to, listening to audiobooks and turning off the TV, trying to keep in touch with friends, being productive at work, leaving the house, staying on top of laundry and dishes, making my relationship with my husband a priority.  Because for a while there, I honestly didn't think I would make it.  And when I get to that dark place again (because I know I will, Grief is a bitch), I will have this side of me to remind myself: YOU can do hard things.  You can live your life while still loving your daughter from afar. Isabela is so proud of you, Mommy. 

 My Sweet Baby,  Today is your first birthday. Happy Birthday! Momma and Daddy miss you more than ever, and we hope you had an amazing celebration among the angels.  They say that when you become a parent, time flies... I can officially attest to that, where has the time gone? I can't believe I have a one year old! I imagine you are trying to walk now, pulling yourself up to stand, and babbling up a storm! Oh, how I wish I was able to see those moments. I bet you're going to ROCK toddlerhood! Daddy and I snuck away to the Cape to quiet and peacefully celebrate you. We had a good time, just spending time together and thinking of you. I don't think I will ever get used to being here without you, but I know my love for you will keep living in me until I can hold you again.  We love you, Isabela Rose. Forever and ever. Happy first birthday, angel.  Love, Mommy

If you follow me on Instagram/ know me in real life, you may (or may not) know that I have been in a funk since about February. I think that's when it hit me- my daughter would be turning one in just a few months. I've said this before, but I can't emphasize it enough- grieving the loss of someone you love really does fuck with your sense of time. Its incomprehensible to me how both quickly and slowly time passes- and here we are, quickly approaching the first birthday of the daughter we prayed so hard for but can't celebrate in person. Anyway, all of this to say, I have been in sleep-all-day mode for over a month now. I nap all throughout the day. I am unmotivated at work and to be honest just would rather avoid life by sleeping it away- especially on the weekends. I lay on my couch all day, sleeping or watching videos, not leaving the house or even stepping outside for some sunshine. Then, come Sunday night I am so anxious about the work week and the thought of manag

Haven't done one of these in a while! I only read 11 books last year, and from October to January I didn't finish a single novel. So you can imagine my surprise when I realized I have read 13 books since the beginning of 2021, already surpassing my total from 2020. I have to say... I have had the BEST run with books so far. I haven't rated anything lower than 3 stars, and even then, only 2 out of the 13 books have been given a 3 star rating. Some trends I have noticed...  I have been basically exclusively reading fantasy and thrillers. I marathoned a series and caught up on another one. I found a new favorite author and have been mainly reading on audio or doing a blended read of audio and ebook. Basically, I have been having a ton of fun finding new books- my reading theme this year seems to be "escapism". So on that note, here are the 13 amazing books I have escaped in to so far this year.  The Night Swim. HOLY SHIT, guys. This thriller was so good. I listened

Hey everyone, happy 2021! I hope everyone had a good holiday, whatever you celebrate. I don't remember the last time I blogged or even logged in, really- probably the end of November, I think. December has been a blur. It was our first Christmas without our daughter Isabela so I've had a lot of my mind. Did I talk about Thanksgiving here yet? I have no idea. I remember feeling so angry around Thanksgiving. What do I have to be grateful for? My child is dead and I have to keep living without her. I'm not at the point in my grief where I can find silver linings, and I'm not sure I will ever reach that point. I'm just trying to make it through. It's safe to say that I white-knuckled it October through January.  Anyway, our Thanksgiving was pretty low key. We went to my parents house for lunch and then came home to watch movies. I made some ornaments for Izzy which I think I already shared here on the blog. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, we started the mo

I hope all of my American friends had a good  Thanksgiving! And that if you aren't from the US- I hope you had a great weekend.  This post has no purpose aside from showing off how I spent my Thanksgiving weekend- making handmade ornaments for our tree. These were so special to me because I made Isabela themed ornaments.  These were super easy to make. I got the wood slices from either Michael's or Hobby Lobby a while back with a coupon. They were originally purchased to make little risers/ coasters, but I thought they would be perfect as ornaments.  My printer is broken so it won't print in color, but I was able to print black and white photos of our little girl. I painted the wood slices white, letting them dry completely in between coats. While they were drying, I took a wet makeup sponge and wet the edges around the photos so they would tear off roughly.  I put on a layer of mod podge on the wood round, stuck the photo on, and mod podged the top of it, smoothing out any

I love love love Mexican food. We have tacos or fajitas at least once per week. So when I started eating mostly low-carb, it was kind of hard to find recipes that I enjoyed that didn't involve taco shells, rice, or burritos. And then, I discovered spaghetti squash and zucchini, and these variations of enchiladas were born. Both of these recipes are pretty similar and equally delicious. I really hope you try these- the enchilada casserole especially is one of my all time favorites that I make at least once per month for my lunches (picky hubby will not try it lol).   Spaghetti squash enchilada casserole (adapted from Sandy's Kitchen Adventures ) Ingredients:  1 lb ground beef 1 bell pepper  1 spaghetti squash (about 4 1/2 cups) 1 can of Rotel  2/3 cup of Mexican-style shredded cheese 1/2 cup of 2% plain Fage Greek yogurt 1/2 cup of red enchilada sauce  3 Tbsp reduced fat cream cheese  Spices to taste (I use salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, and chili powder- yo

The other day I was going through Goodreads, picking out books I wanted to add to my library wishlist (I always say, searching for books is a completely separate hobby from reading, lol!). I came across Fredrick Bachman's newest release,  Anxious People . I always look at the quotes page to see if I vibe with the author's writing style. Man, does this book have some nuggets of wisdom! There are so many poignant quotes. This one resonated with me, just thinking about how overwhelming life can get when all those little things pile up: "Because the terrible thing about becoming an adult is being forced to realize that absolutely nobody cares about us, we have to deal with everything ourselves now, find out how the whole world works. Work and pay bills, use dental floss and get to meetings on time, stand in line and fill out forms, come to grips with cables and put furniture together, change tires on the car and charge the phone and switch the coffee machine off and not forget

Sometimes, the heaviness of life without my baby just hits me. This happened last night. I was sitting on the couch, scrolling through Netflix, and I just broke down into tears. I all of a sudden felt it in my chest, this heavy weight, and couldn't stop sobbing. It's a feeling that I haven't been able to shake off and has carried on to today. It's been so exhausting to function, put on a happy face, work and attend meetings, socialize, and then come home to an empty house. I'm just tired. So, so tired. But today, when I left my house to go to a meeting, there was a package on the porch- my Molly Bear was waiting for me. This perfect little bear weighs 1 pound, 1 ounce- just like Isabela. I was able to customize it and get her name embroidered. I can't believe how perfectly they were able to capture her essence to create this for my little girl. From the flower crown, to the adorable angel wings, to the little blanket that resembles the one I had made for her. Wh

Going in to the holiday season, I never expect to receive gifts. I never usually ask for anything, either. Buttttt I was online window shopping (as usual) and realized that I have a ton of full "carts" across all kinds of sites on the interweb haha. So I thought it might be fun to share what items I have in my carts- my grown-up Christmas list, if you will.  I would LOVE a Cricut machine, vinyl, tools, etc. Mostly, I just want to create all the custom crewnecks and home decor signs. Imagine how much moolah I will save (after this investment, lol)? I really like this charging station/ organizer. I love when everything has a home, and when hotspot/ like items are stored together, even better.  A new desk chair would be amazing. I can't with the one I have now- it is about 15 years old and my butt HURTS after a day of working from home. I feel stupid complaining about sitting down all day but I can't help it, my body hurts so much lol. This one from Wayfair looks really

I have a confession to make... I rarely eat breakfast. This has always been a problem for me, but let's face it- it was a lot easier pre-pandemic to grab a coffee and bagel or an early lunch when you were already out of the house to go to work. Time flies when you work from home- leading to zero work-life balance in the middle of a crazy pandemic- and before I know it, it's 3 PM and I haven't eaten anything at all. I rarely eat out these days because its inconvenient to leave the house just to grab lunch; so I have been on the search for grab and go breakfasts that I can have with my morning coffee on the couch that will keep me full until lunch time. I batch cook this breakfast on the weekends when I meal prep or early Monday morning. This really isn't a low-carb option (if that is what you are looking for), but right now, it is honestly more important that I actually eat something in the morning than worry about making sure it is low-carb. Plus most of my other meals

I was the driver of the struggle bus Friday. I couldn't focus on work, felt super anxious about everything, and just overall was not in the best mood. I decided to do something super easy for dinner- homemade pizza. I made an almond flour pizza crust and it actually turned out okay. I used this recipe . I'm always pleasantly surprised when the things I make come out good, since I'm not the most gourmet chef, lol. Good news is that I had leftovers for lunch the next day because my husband is a BABY about trying new things.  So this was how I spent my Friday evening: curled up with the pups, a blanket, and Jamie Fraser. Ahhh, pure bliss (I rarely have fictional "crushes" these days, but dammit, I freakin' love Jamie. Could there be a more perfect man? haha). You can barely see Cooper because he has black fur, but he was in my lap. Molly was snuggled up on my side.  I slept in Saturday morning which was really nice, and decided to start my day with a coffee in my