As Told By Felicia

 I am proud of myself.  It's been a while since I have said or thought this about myself: I'm really proud of Me.  For moving my body, spending time outside, taking the time to do my hair, picking out outfits I feel pretty in, opening the curtains to let the light in the house.  I'm proud of myself for trying my best to smile more, journaling when I need to, listening to audiobooks and turning off the TV, trying to keep in touch with friends, being productive at work, leaving the house, staying on top of laundry and dishes, making my relationship with my husband a priority.  Because for a while there, I honestly didn't think I would make it.  And when I get to that dark place again (because I know I will, Grief is a bitch), I will have this side of me to remind myself: YOU can do hard things.  You can live your life while still loving your daughter from afar. Isabela is so proud of you, Mommy. 

Happy half birthday in Heaven, Isabela!  Mommy can't believe its already been 6 months since you were born. Every day I wonder how you're doing... are you rolling over and sitting up? Are you babbling yet? Do you like playing with your friends? What does your smile look like? Do you have big brown eyes like your daddy? I would give anything to know. We miss you so much, lovebug. It's so hard not to think of what we are missing, what our life would be like if you could have stayed with us. What you would be like. What parenthood of an earth-side baby girl would be like. I wanted so badly to bring you home. I'm just glad you're safe, in the company of angels.  I love you so so much. Happy 6 months Izzy, my beautiful angel baby  ❤️  👼

This weekend was a weird, mixed bag for me. The end of the week was awesome. I had a productive work week and I attended a great virtual Behavior Analysis conference. I ended my work week inspired, overwhelmed with information, and wanting to do better for my clients. I got all my billing, clinical notes, and hours in on time. Val had the night off and we went out for dinner. I ended the night reading my book.  But then Saturday hit. Saturday was Halloween. Not only was it a COVID Halloween, but it would have been Isabela's first Halloween. When I was pregnant with her I couldn't decide if I wanted to dress her up as a baby hippo or a Mandrake- so obviously, she would have been both. My sister-in-law invited us over for a little cousins costume pizza party for all the kids in the family. We declined. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't help but think that my daughter should have been there, almost 6 months old (or almost 3 months old if she had been born on her due date),...

Baby, you've officially been in Heaven as long as I got to carry you.  I always dreamt of being able to do that silly "9 months in, 9 months out" photo. This is how I get to still do it.  People may think it's weird or disturbing to take of photo with your urn, but that's the only way I get to hold you these days-- what I wouldn't give for baby snuggles right now!  I hope you're doing okay, lovebug. Daddy and I miss you so much it hurts.  Have a good day among the angels, little one. ❤  We love you! One day closer ❤

Baby girl, I went back to work this week.  It was a decision I needed to make, and I think it was a good one for me.  It feels horrible getting back to real life when you aren't here with me, but it has been so good to see my coworkers and the kiddos and their families that Momma gets to help everyday.  Your lamb plushie has been sitting on my desk while I work. I hug it throughout the day, just to feel close to you.  I hope you're proud of me. It has been hard and I am on a rollercoaster of emotions, but I have been pushing through. I think I am going to be okay, which makes me sad because I don't want to move on without you, but if anything, I need to be okay for you.  Momma loves you, Isabela, forever and ever.  Please keep shining down on me. 💕👼

How has it already been 3 months since I held you in my arms? Momma loves you endlessly, Isabela 💕 Do you want my grief, Please for a moment, Take it please, Hold it next to your heart, Feel it burn and tear you apart, Please I beg of you, Ease my mind, Give me sleep for just one night, Get the flashbacks, The heart stopping pangs, The helplessness from losing my way, Can you feel my grief, Hold it close, It will bring you to your knees, Your soul will yell, it will scream, Can you hear it bellow while it takes your peace, Your body aches, your mind stands still, You live in the past, where things were real, Help me friend, I ask of you, Take this grief, for a day or two Written By: Charla Norman (slightly edited by me)

Summer this year feels different.  I would be almost 9 months pregnant by now.  Isabela would weigh about 5 pounds and she would be the size of a pineapple. She would be rolling around like crazy in my belly and I would see her little bum and feet kicking my stomach.  I would be excited about my baby shower and we would be frantically trying to get her nursery done, anxiously awaiting her arrival.  It's an unsettling, heartbreaking feeling that I just can't shake.  There is still some good in my life, though, like these two always keeping me company.  Not a day goes by that I don't smile or laugh at something they did.  I'm so thankful for my two besties, who are always there when I need a good snuggle or cry .

This was not how I pictured my motherhood.  I didn't expect to have an empty nursery.  I didn't expect to have a play gym without a baby to play under it.  I didn't expect to have blankets without a baby to keep warm.  I didn't expect to have a rocking chair without a baby to rock to sleep.  After years of yearning and heartbreak and a short time of pure bliss, this was not how I pictured I would be a mother.  And that hurts more than you can imagine.

Grief is contradictory.  You may feel like you're ready to face real life, or you may all of a sudden feel like you are unable to breathe, as if you're drowning. (Because in reality, aren't you?) You may be in denial that this could have happened to you baby and your family, or you may treasure the moments you had with your daughter and husband.  You may feel so disconnected from your pregnancy and delivery as if it never happened, or you may still feel phantom kicks nearly 2 months later.  You may think time has slowed to a complete stop, or you may feel like time has flown by in an instant.  You may keep so busy that you're exhausted by the end of the night, or you may not be able to get out of bed for days.  You may lose people or you may gain people.  You may know firsthand that outliving your baby and putting her to rest is the worst feeling ever imaginable and you wouldn't wish it on anyone, or you may wish with every fiber in your being that this nev...

Izzy,  Your nursery is my happy place.  I come in here every morning, say hello to you, my baby girl, and sit in silence for a few minutes. Sometimes, Cooper & Molly join me. Sometimes, it's just me. I rock in your chair, with a blanket over my legs and a coffee in my hand, marveling at how utterly perfect you were. Healing and life after loss is an odd, out-of-body experience.  People tell me not to dwell or spend too much time in your room.  But what they don't understand is that your bedroom, full to the brim with dreams and hope and love, has been a place of peace for me.  I'm so thankful we decided to finish it and I hope you love it as much as I do.  "I love you forever, I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I love you,  Mommy 

And you became a father one evening,  Quietly, without a sound You found your daughter and settled into her  Scooped her up and breathed her in  Your eyes fell closed and I saw your tears  And in that moment, I loved you like no other.  To my husband, on your first bittersweet Father's Day,  I know our daughter is with Jesus in Heaven and not with us here, but you are still the best Daddy I have ever seen. She is so lucky to call you her Daddy. Isabela and I love you so much. I know for a fact that she is in Heaven, bragging that you get to be hers. Today, we celebrate you.  I love you forever and ever,  Your wife 

Our daughter, Isabela Rose, was born and died on May 2nd, 2020. I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and 5 days after a failed emergency cerclage procedure and developing an infection. I had to deliver my perfect baby girl before her body was ready to enter this world, but she was a fighter. She lived for 1 hour and 45 minutes in our arms, and her Daddy and I loved her the best we could during that time.  I started writing letters to her the day after she was born, to help me process our immense loss and grief.  "I lost my heart to you, little one, forever, for always, it's yours."  -Zoe Clark Coates June 8th, 2020 Isabela,  Mommy got a haircut today. Not important in the grand scheme of things, but pulling up to the salon for my appointment brought me back to a painful, beautiful memory: the first time I ever said "yes" to the age-old question, "do you have any kids?"  I remember it like it was yesterday. The hairstylist and I were discussing our Val...

Our daughter, Isabela Rose, was born and died on May 2nd, 2020. I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and 5 days after a failed emergency cerclage procedure and developing an infection. I had to deliver my perfect baby girl before her body was ready to enter this world, but she was a fighter. She lived for 1 hour and 45 minutes in our arms, and her Daddy and I loved her the best we could during that time.  I started writing letters to her the day after she was born, to help me process our immense loss and grief.  "I lost my heart to you, little one, forever, for always, it's yours."  -Zoe Clark Coates June 2nd, 2020  My little love,  Today, you would be one month old. We would be in the throes of newborn-hood, with sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, and a happy exhaustion that our baby girl was earthside. Instead, we are here without you, with empty arms, broken hearts, and you, our beautiful angel, in Heaven.  We miss you so much, honey. I know Dadd...

       Our daughter, Isabela Rose, was born and died on May 2nd, 2020. I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and 5 days after a failed emergency cerclage procedure and developing an infection. I had to deliver my perfect baby girl before her body was ready to enter this world, but she was a fighter. She lived for 1 hour and 45 minutes in our arms, and her Daddy and I loved her the best we could during that time.  I started writing letters to her the day after she was born, to help me process our immense loss and grief.  "I lost my heart to you, little one, forever, for always, it's yours."  -Zoe Clark Coates May 27th, 2020  Hi baby girl, it's your Mommy.  Today Daddy, Cooper, Molly and I went out for the first time as a family on one of our summer day trips. We usually do a few of these every summer, where Daddy and I just pick a town to go to in our state or neighboring states, and spend the day there. This time, we decided to go to Plymouth...

Our daughter, Isabela Rose, was born and died on May 2nd, 2020. I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and 5 days after a failed emergency cerclage procedure and developing an infection. I had to deliver my perfect baby girl before her body was ready to enter this world, but she was a fighter. She lived for 1 hour and 45 minutes in our arms, and her Daddy and I loved her the best we could during that time.  I started writing letters to her the day after she was born, to help me process our immense loss and grief.  "I lost my heart to you, little one, forever, for always, it's yours."  -Zoe Clark Coates May 14th, 2020  Isabela,  I don't know if you know this, but Mommy loves to read. When I was a little girl, I read so much that sometimes your Grandma had to take away all my books so that I would do something else. Can you imagine that, an elementary student who gets punished because she reads too much? I've always been that way. I've been told I came home from ...

Our daughter, Isabela Rose, was born and died on May 2nd, 2020. I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and 5 days after a failed emergency cerclage procedure and developing an infection. I had to deliver my perfect baby girl before her body was ready to enter this world, but she was a fighter. She lived for 1 hour and 45 minutes in our arms, and her Daddy and I loved her the best we could during that time.  I started writing letters to her the day after she was born, to help me process our immense loss and grief.  "I lost my heart to you, little one, forever, for always, it's yours."  -Zoe Clark Coates May 14th, 2020 Isabela,  Last night Daddy and I met up with our friends. It was the first time we've socialized out of the house since having to say goodbye to you. The whole day, I felt sick to my stomach, and especially when getting ready and driving there. Why did I deserve to go out and see friends? It felt so wrong. We met up at a Dunkin' and talked for a few ho...

I started this post in the beginning of my pregnancy. We have since lost our sweet daughter Isabela Rose to preterm labor on May 2nd, 2020. So now instead of a post looking back, this is more of a memorial to our daughter. Some of these photos are from my Instagram account, and I included the captions that I wrote under the photos. Writing this post was a labor of love, and very emotional to finish. I hope I look back on this fondly, and that it is a reminder of all the wonderful memories we had with our sweet girl.  We found out I was pregnant at only 4 weeks. I had been feeling off, but had already tested that cycle with a negative test. I was heartbroken and guarded. My husband noticed I wasn't feeling like myself, and he convinced me to test again anyway. I quickly did it and moved along, getting ready for the day. We were taking my godson to Disney on Ice in a few hours. A few minutes later, my husband walked over to me. He showed me the test and to my complete shock and disbe...