As Told By Felicia

Summer this year feels different.  I would be almost 9 months pregnant by now.  Isabela would weigh about 5 pounds and she would be the size of a pineapple. She would be rolling around like crazy in my belly and I would see her little bum and feet kicking my stomach.  I would be excited about my baby shower and we would be frantically trying to get her nursery done, anxiously awaiting her arrival.  It's an unsettling, heartbreaking feeling that I just can't shake.  There is still some good in my life, though, like these two always keeping me company.  Not a day goes by that I don't smile or laugh at something they did.  I'm so thankful for my two besties, who are always there when I need a good snuggle or cry .

Happy Monday everyone. I am back with a weekend recap, in an attempt to cheer me up a bit. I have admittedly been very emotional the past two or so weeks, and this morning is no exception. I woke up missing my sweet daughter and started flipping through the 23 photos I have of her life. Seeing her cute face made me smile, but also made me sad.  How precious is she? I just love her.  I started thinking about the past couple of days and realized I had a good weekend. I of course forgot to take photos but thought I would share it anyway.  On Saturday morning I went with my mom and sister to get a pedicure. It was literally the best pedicure of my life. I was so relaxed! I chose a coral pink color for my polish and love it. It was my first nail salon outing since COVID but I think the salon did a great job handling things. You are of course required to wear a mask. The nail stations were spaced out and there was plexiglass separating you and the nail tech. They are doing appo...

Holy moly you guys, I have hit the healthy side dish jack pot! I have started cutting carbs and sugars again and came across this awesome recipe for zucchini fries that had me shocked by how good it was. I'm always hesitant when it comes to carb- alternatives and was not sure how this would go over, especially with my husband. Well spoiler alert: we loved it! My hubby, AKA the meat and potatoes guy, went back for seconds. It's a miracle! It was a very simple recipe so I wanted to share it with you all.  What you'll need:  1 large zucchini  2 eggs, beaten  1 cup almond flour  Seasonings of your choice to taste (I did a generous mix of my holy grail cocktail: salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, and paprika) How to: Cut zucchini into fry- sized rectangles Beat 2 eggs in a shallow bowl  Mix together almond flour and seasonings in another shallow bowl/ plate Start dipping! Dip zucchini in the egg first then cover it in the flour mixture Place on a parchme...

So. Embarrassingly, up until June/July of this year, I had only read TWO books in 2020. Who am I? Between pregnancy sickness, emergency surgery, and losing my baby girl, I just couldn't focus. Well, I'm happy to say that I have officially gotten my reading back in the swing of things. I actually have a ton of books to wrap for this post.  Getting back into reading has been so great for me. I have found something to occupy my time and stop my mind from wandering. It's also been a great form of escape. I have been using my library again and as stupid as this sounds, having appointments to go pick up books helps me have something planned for my day. Not to mention I have read some awesome books lately. Let's chat through them, shall we?  A Curse So Dark And Lonely by Brigid Kemmerer This was a YA Beauty and the Beast retelling and oh was it so fun. Great adventures, emotional baggage, secrets, a badass heroine, and a swoony romance.  4 stars!   Scythe by NEAL Shusterman...

I've long since accepted my body for what it is.  I am not thin or fit, nor do I have the body shape that others consider desirable. It is what it is, and I am who I am. I know I am more than what I look like.  But I've got to be honest. I'm struggling with self love more than ever before and this time, it has nothing to do with my appearance.  I've never hated my body more than I do right now.  My body couldn't keep my baby safe. My body betrayed me, my daughter, and my family. My body failed to do the one thing it is meant to do.  The past week has been really difficult for me. God must have known how much I needed to see this photo today. No matter how many times doctors tell me that what happened was a freak incident and it wasn't my fault, the guilt and grief I feel every day is all-consuming.  To say that I am struggling with forgiving my body and moving forward in life after losing Isabela is an understatement. I hope one day I will be able to show m...

This was not how I pictured my motherhood.  I didn't expect to have an empty nursery.  I didn't expect to have a play gym without a baby to play under it.  I didn't expect to have blankets without a baby to keep warm.  I didn't expect to have a rocking chair without a baby to rock to sleep.  After years of yearning and heartbreak and a short time of pure bliss, this was not how I pictured I would be a mother.  And that hurts more than you can imagine.

Grief is contradictory.  You may feel like you're ready to face real life, or you may all of a sudden feel like you are unable to breathe, as if you're drowning. (Because in reality, aren't you?) You may be in denial that this could have happened to you baby and your family, or you may treasure the moments you had with your daughter and husband.  You may feel so disconnected from your pregnancy and delivery as if it never happened, or you may still feel phantom kicks nearly 2 months later.  You may think time has slowed to a complete stop, or you may feel like time has flown by in an instant.  You may keep so busy that you're exhausted by the end of the night, or you may not be able to get out of bed for days.  You may lose people or you may gain people.  You may know firsthand that outliving your baby and putting her to rest is the worst feeling ever imaginable and you wouldn't wish it on anyone, or you may wish with every fiber in your being that this nev...

Izzy,  Your nursery is my happy place.  I come in here every morning, say hello to you, my baby girl, and sit in silence for a few minutes. Sometimes, Cooper & Molly join me. Sometimes, it's just me. I rock in your chair, with a blanket over my legs and a coffee in my hand, marveling at how utterly perfect you were. Healing and life after loss is an odd, out-of-body experience.  People tell me not to dwell or spend too much time in your room.  But what they don't understand is that your bedroom, full to the brim with dreams and hope and love, has been a place of peace for me.  I'm so thankful we decided to finish it and I hope you love it as much as I do.  "I love you forever, I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I love you,  Mommy