struggling to find peace during the holidays

Hey everyone, happy 2021! I hope everyone had a good holiday, whatever you celebrate. I don't remember the last time I blogged or even logged in, really- probably the end of November, I think. December has been a blur. It was our first Christmas without our daughter Isabela so I've had a lot of my mind.

Did I talk about Thanksgiving here yet? I have no idea. I remember feeling so angry around Thanksgiving. What do I have to be grateful for? My child is dead and I have to keep living without her. I'm not at the point in my grief where I can find silver linings, and I'm not sure I will ever reach that point. I'm just trying to make it through. It's safe to say that I white-knuckled it October through January. 

Anyway, our Thanksgiving was pretty low key. We went to my parents house for lunch and then came home to watch movies. I made some ornaments for Izzy which I think I already shared here on the blog. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, we started the most ridiculous tradition of taking family photos with our dogs and Izzy Bear every holiday. It makes me angry that Izzy will never be in our family photos, but I want to include her in little ways. So that's what we did this year. I am going to make it a priority to print photos and hang them up. I want my girl to be present in her home. 

Our Thanksgiving family photo

Our Christmas was OK. We decided to not put up a tree, decorate, or buy many presents this year. We didn't have the heart to do it. But I did end up decorating a tree for Izzy in her bedroom, and decided to bring it out in to the living room. It was a cute little baby tree that had Izzy-centric ornaments. We also hung up her stockings on the fireplace. I got her a really cute fairy monogrammed stocking from Pottery Barn and I love it. I had originally gotten her a stocking from Etsy that says, "Now I lay me down to sleep" but I felt weird about that for some reason, so I ordered her the PB stocking after the fact. So now she has two, spoiled baby haha. 

Throughout December, since I knew it was going to be a difficult month, I tried really hard to find little pockets of peace and happiness in my day to day life. It was such a struggle, though. I'm pretty sure I cried every single day last month. I struggled to find the "point" of my life but all I could think about was how my daughter was not here, so really what was the point, anyway, if I wasn't her mother? 

We kept the family photo tradition going. For Christmas we took a photo with her stocking and her urn, spending some time with her. That's how we spent our Christmas morning. (Side note: How fucked up is that? Ugh.) 

Saying goodbye to 2020 was also strangely depressing for me. We stayed home as usual, but New Year's Eve and New Year's Day were super heavy for me. The turn of the year meant that my daughter died last year. It signified time moving forward, the world continuing on- all the while to me, it feels like time has stood still and my world has crashed around me. It was odd. We rang in the new year with family snuggles while watching the ball drop. then we binged a few episodes of The Masked Singer. New Years Day, I honestly felt numb. 

Our New Years Eve family photo

So that brings me to today, January 2nd. How am I doing? I have no idea. Today, Izzy would be 8 months old. Can you believe that? We are almost at her first birthday. This has simultaneously been the longest and shortest year of my life. In the meantime, I will keep loving on my hubby and puppies. We have really become so much closer this year, if that is even possible. Our family has been through so much the past few years. There's got to be some sort of quota for bullshit, right? 

Anyway, so sorry that this post has been all over the place. It's honestly pretty indicative of where my brain is at lately. I promise I won't only talk about grief on my blog and hopefully I can start getting more uplifting content up here soon. Thank you so much for following along through the good, the bad, and the ugly, friends. I hope you all have a great start to 2021. 💕