getting out of a grief funk & how I spent my Saturday

If you follow me on Instagram/ know me in real life, you may (or may not) know that I have been in a funk since about February. I think that's when it hit me- my daughter would be turning one in just a few months. I've said this before, but I can't emphasize it enough- grieving the loss of someone you love really does fuck with your sense of time. Its incomprehensible to me how both quickly and slowly time passes- and here we are, quickly approaching the first birthday of the daughter we prayed so hard for but can't celebrate in person.

Anyway, all of this to say, I have been in sleep-all-day mode for over a month now. I nap all throughout the day. I am unmotivated at work and to be honest just would rather avoid life by sleeping it away- especially on the weekends. I lay on my couch all day, sleeping or watching videos, not leaving the house or even stepping outside for some sunshine. Then, come Sunday night I am so anxious about the work week and the thought of managing my grief and work load. I feel completely burnt out because I don't take time to care for myself on my days off. It's a vicious cycle.

So. I thought I would spend a Saturday doing things that make me happy, and if I stil wanted to wallow on Sunday then I would let myself feel all the feels and still consider the weekend a success. Here's how it went! 

I let myself sleep in, but not too late. 8:30 I got out of bed, even though clearly I really didnt want to. 

I headed to my favorite part of the kitchen- the coffee bar!- and made myself a super indulgent caramel latte. It was such a treat to not immediately bring my coffee to my laptop for work. I snuggled up on the couch and enjoyed it.

 

I opened up the curtains in my living space. I knew I would be less likely to grief sleep all day if it was bright in the house. Then, I went to Isabela's room and opened up her door which had been closed for a little while. I ended up spending a few minutes in there and opened up her curtains, too. Her room looked so beautiful with the morning light streaming in. 

A big part of self care for me includes making sure my space is tidy. I cleared off my desk which was a HOT MESS after my work week and then cleaned up my kitchen counter. 

I settled in for a snuggle with Cooper and sunk my teeth into a new fantasy novel.  I read for a couple hours and had the best time.

I blogged, go me! I wrote all about the amazing books i have read lately. 

I made sure I actually ate throughout the day. For lunch I had leftovers- spinach chicken and veggie pasta I made a couple nights ago. 

Val woke up around 4ish, and we hung out the rest of the night, which is our usual Saturday routine! We ended up doing a pretty random dinner- we had leftover taco meat so I ate a taco salad and Val made a taco- inspired pizza, haha. We snuggled up on the couch together after dinner. Val watched Falcon and Winter Soldier while I continued reading my book. 

Val works overnights so he left for work around 9:30. The rest of my night was very low key. I went to bed feeling okay. Still sad, but a bit lighter than the past few weeks. Forcing myself to do some of my favorite things definitely helped me feel a bit better. I went to bed thinking of my girl, but with happier thoughts than usual- how she fit perfectly in Val's hand, her perfect little nose, how cute she looked in the crocheted blanket the hospital gave her to wear. I'm writing this on Sunday morning, and am happy to say that I am OK this morning. I hope I can keep this momentum up throughout the week, because Lords knows my work ethic could use a boost these days!