Our fertility treatment journey has come to an end... for now

Hello everyone, I know that I promised a blog post on our journey through fertility treatments to have our first baby. A little back story: my husband and I have been trying to conceive for just about 16 consecutive months, unsuccessfully. You can read more about our struggle and my thoughts about TTC here. At around 14 months, I disclosed to my doctor and she recommended starting a fertility workup. I decided to contact a renown fertility clinic in our area to begin the process. 

Getting an appointment was surprisingly easy. The only medical criteria was 12 months of TTC without success, which we surpassed. They were quick to offer appointments and we scheduled an appointment with only a 3 week wait, and that was mostly because we needed an early morning appointment so my husband could attend after coming home from work in the morning instead of during the day when he would be sleeping. 

Our first appointment was overwhelming, to say the least. I'm pretty sure I was ready to burst into tears at any moment. I couldn't believe that we were here, needing help to do what was most natural to a young couple, and wanting so badly to have a child of our own. Looking back, it was probably information overload for my husband. I am well-versed in the options for fertility treatments, all the anagrams and terminology, and the testing that comes along with it- my husband, not so much. The doctor was so patient with us, explaining in detail what each test was looking for and going into detail about all the treatment options. He said that an IUI (intrauterine insemination) would probably be a good first step for us but that we could talk more about it when the test results came back. We left our appointment with even more appointments scheduled- my husband had to do bloodwork and a sperm analysis, and I had to do (lots of) bloodwork, a vaginal ultrasound, and an HSG test. They scheduled everything for us within the week and it was a pretty painless process overall. I was so hopeful. 

We left on vacation and I waited to hear about the tests. I waited even a week after vacation, because I thought that maybe they were waiting for us to come back and get settled in before calling us with results. I ended up calling to ask about our tests, and had to leave a voicemail. The lovely nurse called me back (I was working, of course) and she left a super detailed message about the testing and recommended I set up a follow-up appointment to discuss our treatment plan with our doctor. And so I did. My cycle had just started and I was hoping to get help for our next fertile window in the next couple of weeks. Again, I was so hopeful.

The day of our follow-up appointment, the doctor explained that our tests came back within normal limits. He even said that my AMH levels and ovarian reserve were excellent. The sperm analysis came back with great results. He said we were generally healthy and everything came back normal. Then, he dropped a bomb on us. He said, "focus on losing weight, then come back in 3 months." 

I was... stunned. Not once before did he mention that he would not be willing to even do an IUI. Not once before did he say that my weight would affect our chances. He blatantly stated that even though there was no real evidence suggesting weight being an obstacle to getting pregnant, "it couldn't hurt" and that I should work on that. I even asked, "is that what your best recommendation is?" He said that yes, it was, and that maybe I should consider weight loss surgery- to which I stated, "absolutely not." He asked what exercise I was doing and I responded that I had signed up for Beachbody on Demand. He said that the gym was a better option because I could go there after work and have more motivation to complete my workouts. After that, I honestly just shut him out. I sat through the rest of the appointment in silence and left utterly and completely defeated. 

I went home that day and didn't leave my bed for the next 24 hours. I couldn't function to go to work, prepare meals, or interact with others. I felt broken, depressed, frustrated, disappointed... heartbroken. That was two days ago and honestly even getting out of bed to go to work today was a serious struggle.  

So, that is where we are in our infertility journey. We are at a standstill, until I lose weight (he wants me to lose about 35 pounds before considering IVF or IUI). Back to where we started. I know others may read this and think, "big deal" or that it is just a temporary situation. I understand that. But for me, it's so much more. It's yet another roadblock to our dream of becoming parents. Its waiting even longer to hold our baby in our arms. It's an ultimatum to receive treatment- like the doctors are saying, "lose weight or we won't help you". It's feeling the wind knocked out of you when you see other couples joyfully announcing pregnancies or having to attend happy family events like baptisms or baby showers. It's holding my nieces and nephew and my heart breaking into pieces the entire time. It's feeling defeated and undeserving of medical assistance to start our family. 

That's honestly all I have to say, for now. Not the most uplifting or happy post, I know. But I wanted to be up front and honest about our journey. I hope that the next update I write will be a happier one. Thank you for reading.