1 pound, 1 ounce

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Sometimes, the heaviness of life without my baby just hits me. This happened last night. I was sitting on the couch, scrolling through Netflix, and I just broke down into tears. I all of a sudden felt it in my chest, this heavy weight, and couldn't stop sobbing. It's a feeling that I haven't been able to shake off and has carried on to today. It's been so exhausting to function, put on a happy face, work and attend meetings, socialize, and then come home to an empty house. I'm just tired. So, so tired.

But today, when I left my house to go to a meeting, there was a package on the porch- my Molly Bear was waiting for me. This perfect little bear weighs 1 pound, 1 ounce- just like Isabela. I was able to customize it and get her name embroidered. I can't believe how perfectly they were able to capture her essence to create this for my little girl. From the flower crown, to the adorable angel wings, to the little blanket that resembles the one I had made for her.


When I picked it up, I was surprised at how heavy my Izzy Bear was, for just being over 1 pound. I don't remember Izzy being that heavy. It scares me that I'm forgetting those little details about her and birth. How can I feel so disconnected from her? I'm terrified, heartbroken, overwhelmed all at the same time. It's been a lot. My motherhood has been nothing like I imagined it would be, and that fact has been weighing on my heart a lot lately. I just can't believe this is my life now.

So for now, I will just hold my Izzy Bear, and think back to what it was like to feel that 1 pound, 1 ounce little angel in my arms. Mommy loves you so much, Isabela. 💕👼💕

Comments

  1. Rebecca JoNovember 18, 2020 at 6:28 PM

    Bless your heart. ... That pain & ache never leaves. It eases, but never leaves.
    Find comfort where you can. HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  2. MarielleNovember 19, 2020 at 6:05 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss Felicia. Thank you for sharing this part of your heart and journey. It helps others too and lets us know Isabela. I hope your grief carries you to a place of peace. Sending virtual hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As Told By FeliciaNovember 20, 2020 at 11:45 AM

      Thank you for reading about her Marielle! I love when people want to hear about my little girl. It's comforting beyond measure. And thank you so much for your kind words :)

      Delete
  3. SanNovember 22, 2020 at 6:49 PM

    I cannot even imagine what you've been going through... what a sweet thing to have the Molly Bear to hold and reminisce about your little girl! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As Told By FeliciaNovember 23, 2020 at 11:14 AM

      Thank you! it has definitely been so incredibly comforting to me. :) I miss her so much but the fact that I can hold something that was her exact weight makes me feel close to her, if that makes any sense.

      Delete
  4. StephTheBookwormDecember 17, 2020 at 6:51 PM

    This is such a beautiful keepsake. I love the details too like the headband, wings, and blanket. I am so glad it brings you comfort.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As Told By FeliciaJanuary 2, 2021 at 1:03 PM

      They did such an amazing job! the little details bring me so much joy.

      Delete

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