Halloween without Isabela

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This weekend was a weird, mixed bag for me. The end of the week was awesome. I had a productive work week and I attended a great virtual Behavior Analysis conference. I ended my work week inspired, overwhelmed with information, and wanting to do better for my clients. I got all my billing, clinical notes, and hours in on time. Val had the night off and we went out for dinner. I ended the night reading my book. 

But then Saturday hit. Saturday was Halloween. Not only was it a COVID Halloween, but it would have been Isabela's first Halloween. When I was pregnant with her I couldn't decide if I wanted to dress her up as a baby hippo or a Mandrake- so obviously, she would have been both. My sister-in-law invited us over for a little cousins costume pizza party for all the kids in the family. We declined. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't help but think that my daughter should have been there, almost 6 months old (or almost 3 months old if she had been born on her due date), in her cute costume and probably sleeping in my arms. It would have been a glimpse into our beautiful future as a family of 3, just the start of the holidays to come. I ended Halloween night crying in my husband's arms. 

Sunday wasn't much better. It was my niece's birthday party. Again, we didn't go. I felt so horrible but at the same time couldn't bring myself to go and meet my newest baby niece, who was born 2 1/2 weeks after Izzy's due date. I feel betrayed by God. I am angry at my body for what happened. I am grieving the realization that my daughter will never celebrate these holidays and birthday parties with us. It's just too much to handle sometimes, and this weekend was one of those times. 

I have no idea how I am going to handle the holidays this year. Please tell me it gets easier. 

I'm so sorry this was such a downer of a post. It just helps to get it out, and if other angel moms ever stumble across this blog I want them to feel seen, validated, and less alone. I hope one day that I will be able to celebrate Izzy on holidays and special events instead of dreading them without her, but I'm just not there yet. For now, I grieve and am overwhelmed with sadness, and that is okay. Angel mamas, we've got this. Our babes are watching over us, and we are trying our best. 

Linking up with Lindsay.

Comments

  1. Waiting for EmilyNovember 2, 2020 at 11:56 AM

    I can not even imagine the pain that you are feeling. Hugs and prayers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As Told By FeliciaNovember 10, 2020 at 1:15 PM

      Thank you very much :) it's been tough but we are getting through it.

      Delete

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