Infertility is...

When you're going through infertility, it's like being on a roller coaster and not being able to get off. Having a baby is no longer just something you want- it becomes an all-consuming, desperate need to feel complete. I know, that sounds really dramatic. I might have even thought the same thing, before experiencing it myself. But unless you have personally struggled to start a family, you really can’t fathom how much this journey takes over your life and soul. I hope this post helps foster some understanding, even if it's just a start.

Infertility is waking up everyday with gut-wrenching feelings of guilt, overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, jealousy. It is constantly being reminded of your failure to start your family, because everywhere you look, everyone else in the world seems to be pregnant, so happy, with their hands on their baby bumps, pushing strollers, hugging their preschooler, and you can't help but wonder... why isn’t that you?

Infertility is when you keep getting invited to events - baptisms, baby showers, birthday parties- and you find yourself longingly staring at parents, as they look down at their baby or children with smiles on their faces. It's when you look around and realize that, even in a room full of family and friends, it's really lonely to be surrounded by happiness that isn't your own. And all you can do is smile sadly and say, "Yeah, I'm fine", when a family member asks if you are OK. 

Infertility is feeling an overwhelming sense of heartbreak for your husband when you see him holding your baby niece, because you know that he wishes he had his own baby in his arms, and you realize that it's hurting him just as much as it's hurting you, even if he doesn't show it. It's understanding that his assumed (by you) nonchalant attitude was his effort to be strong for you, because he can't stand to see you falling apart. Infertility is feeling angry and bitter, because you know he would be the best daddy in the whole world, but he unfairly hasn't been granted that blessing. 

Infertility is withdrawing into yourself, losing friends, becoming isolated. Your work suffers, because you just can't bring yourself to care anymore. You become a shell of a person, just going through the motions of your day almost robotically, so you can go home and cry all night. 

There are good days, when you are distracted, and can focus on other things. You laugh, make jokes, are productive at work, go out with friends, and you almost forget. But the good days usually always turn into bad days, when you look around at your quiet, overly neat home, and you wish more than anything you could see sticky messes, bulky, bright toys, baby bottles in the sink and piles of onesies to wash, and instead your home just feels empty.  

Infertility is coming to terms with the fact that yes, you and your husband, will have a baby one day, somehow, but it's also having a difficult time understanding why it comes so easy to others but not for you. It's making you question if you are even deserving of being blessed with children. 

Infertility is learning helpful ways to cope and prioritizing self-care. You start to feel selfish about how much time you focus on yourself, but lately, that is the only way to make yourself feel less unsettled. It's convincing yourself you're not crazy, about learning to listen to your body and doing what you need to survive the day.  It's trying more than anything to get back to who you were before you were just that girl who can't get pregnant. Trying to gain back your enthusiasm, your genuine smiles, you bubbly personality, and your zest for life- but falling short most days. 

So please, if you have a friend or family member going through infertility, please be patient with them. They are struggling, hard, and they probably won't ever admit it. But just know that everything I talked about (and probably more) is swirling around in their head at any given moment of the day. Check up on them. Let them vent to you. Try to understand where they're coming from. If they don't want to talk, don't push it. Please don't distance yourself from them, even if they are doing that to you. It's not intentional. When they get to the "other side" of fertility, they will appreciate everything you did more than you could ever imagine.