Sometimes, I just need to talk about it | my 2 AM thoughts on infertility

"I'll leave the test on the counter just in case it changes its mind," I joked to my husband. So there it sat until the next morning, when I walked in to the bathroom to a negative staring me back in the face. I threw it away with tears in my eyes because let's face it- I was only half-kidding, and was hoping deep-down it would miraculously change from "not pregnant" to "pregnant" over night. Yeah right, Felicia, it doesn't work like that. 

I rarely allow myself to test because I don't want to get our hopes up- but for some reason, this month I was particularly hopeful. Maybe it's because I have just lost a significant amount of weight, and everyone has been telling me "my cousin's friend's sister lost 10 pounds and then poof, she was pregnant!" Or maybe its because my new doctor told me that several of her patients "fell pregnant" on the medication she prescribed me. Or maybe because my RE said that "it couldn't hurt to lose weight for my fertility" before sending me on my merry way to do so. Or maybe it's because I'm terrified to hit that two year mark that's just around the corner. Or because maybe, just maybe, I've been desperately wishing for a Christmas miracle. Whatever the reason is, here I am again, another month gone, an empty womb and a broken heart.

This Christmas has been so hard for us. Infertility has stolen so much from us. All those what-if's, dreams, plans swirling around in our heads. Our Christmas Day pregnancy announcement. Watching our little one excitedly ripping wrapping paper off presents. The new bright, bulky baby toys from Santa cluttering the living room. When I look around our quiet, clean home my heart just sinks. I can only hope that by next year, we will have a little one to love on and celebrate. Because we are so beyond ready. We are so beyond ready for sleepless nights, changing diapers, newborn snuggles, reading bedtime stories, fighting tantrums. We are so beyond ready to be Mommy and Daddy. I hope, pray, and wish that our dream comes true soon. ❤

I'm not exactly sure why I decided to share this, but here we are, my 2 AM grief is now over-shared on the internet. I figure if this can help even one person, then this post has done it's job, regardless of how vulnerable and exposed it makes me feel. Just know, you are not alone and I hope and pray that your happy ending comes soon, whatever that may look like to you.