As Told By Felicia

Happy half birthday in Heaven, Isabela!  Mommy can't believe its already been 6 months since you were born. Every day I wonder how you're doing... are you rolling over and sitting up? Are you babbling yet? Do you like playing with your friends? What does your smile look like? Do you have big brown eyes like your daddy? I would give anything to know. We miss you so much, lovebug. It's so hard not to think of what we are missing, what our life would be like if you could have stayed with us. What you would be like. What parenthood of an earth-side baby girl would be like. I wanted so badly to bring you home. I'm just glad you're safe, in the company of angels.  I love you so so much. Happy 6 months Izzy, my beautiful angel baby  ❤️  👼

This weekend was a weird, mixed bag for me. The end of the week was awesome. I had a productive work week and I attended a great virtual Behavior Analysis conference. I ended my work week inspired, overwhelmed with information, and wanting to do better for my clients. I got all my billing, clinical notes, and hours in on time. Val had the night off and we went out for dinner. I ended the night reading my book.  But then Saturday hit. Saturday was Halloween. Not only was it a COVID Halloween, but it would have been Isabela's first Halloween. When I was pregnant with her I couldn't decide if I wanted to dress her up as a baby hippo or a Mandrake- so obviously, she would have been both. My sister-in-law invited us over for a little cousins costume pizza party for all the kids in the family. We declined. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't help but think that my daughter should have been there, almost 6 months old (or almost 3 months old if she had been born on her due date),...

It has been forever since I've done a favorites! To be honest, this post has been a running document that I've been jotting in when things pop up, so I thought I would finally publish it with all the things I have been loving lately. Buckle up, this is a random one (as per usual!).  Leuchtturm 1917 notebook . I am OBSESSED with this notebook, friends. I love how the pages feel "used"- is that a weird thing to look for in notebooks? I use it as a bullet journal (kind of). All of my appointments, deadlines, and work schedule go in my Google calendar, but I use this journal as a place to house everything else: notes, brain-dumps, to-do lists, research, ideas, recipes, lists, work to-do's, everything. It's been working out great. I added a pen loop and red bubble stickers (because I'm a teenager, apparently) and I've been loving using this everyday.  Muji gel ink ballpoint pen . So good, chef's kiss, my new favorite pen! I love how the pen feels when...

Hi everyone, it's been a while! Just a little PSA: if you see my blog clog up your feed, its because I'm trying to update it to sync with my Instagram posts! I have been sharing a lot more on there but wanted to also do so here- so if dates seem weird, that's why. Thank you all, for allowing me the space to share all about my baby girl! If you'd like to follow me on instagram, my handle is @feliciabotelho Have a great week :)  Ps- here is pic of my beautiful girl, just because! :) 

Baby, you've officially been in Heaven as long as I got to carry you.  I always dreamt of being able to do that silly "9 months in, 9 months out" photo. This is how I get to still do it.  People may think it's weird or disturbing to take of photo with your urn, but that's the only way I get to hold you these days-- what I wouldn't give for baby snuggles right now!  I hope you're doing okay, lovebug. Daddy and I miss you so much it hurts.  Have a good day among the angels, little one. ❤  We love you! One day closer ❤

Mom & Dad :)  Back in December, we joked that we would be too exhausted to do anything special for our 10 year anniversary because we would have a newborn by now.  Today is bittersweet. We would rather be home, so overly tired that we are delusional and snuggling with our baby girl.  We don't get that privilege, but we do have each other. And for that, I will be forever thankful.  Whatever else the world throws at us, we will get through it together.  A whole decade of loving you, plus a beautiful angel baby- how lucky am I?  Here's to the next decade of our lives, my love.

My sweet baby girl, today was your due date, your supposed-to-be birthday.  September 6th, a date that was etched in our hearts since finding out we were expecting you last December, seemed like so far away at the time.  The irony is that these past 4 months have felt like years on Earth here without you. Time is no longer a concept I can comprehend.  No matter what anyone tells me, I know in the deepest part of my heart that you WERE meant to be here. You were meant to be part of our family. You were meant to be in my arms instead of my heart. You were meant to do great things in this world.  You are and always be my beautiful little girl, and I will never stop sharing or talking about you.  To the most beautiful, loved little girl, happy due date.  Mommy and Daddy love you so, so, SO much.  Until we meet again and can kiss your sweet face, please keep shining down on us. We love you, Isabela.

This link up came at the perfect time, as I just returned to work this week after taking time off from delivering and losing my baby girl in May. Its been an emotional week for me so far but I have loved putting my desk together for work. Working on my home is a passion of mine and I think my desk setup came out super cute.  My desk is in our guest bedroom. I used to have an office before we made it into a nursery. I don't  miss having that space though, and do just fine with a small desk. I love spending time in this cute little area in our home.   It is really important to me to have a minimal but beautiful workspace. I love bringing in decor pieces with wood tones, greenery, and pictures of my husband and my daughter. I also have my daughter's lamb plushie that was bought for her by my mom. It has brought me so much comfort to have something if hers with me while I'm working.  Linking up with Shay  

Baby girl, I went back to work this week.  It was a decision I needed to make, and I think it was a good one for me.  It feels horrible getting back to real life when you aren't here with me, but it has been so good to see my coworkers and the kiddos and their families that Momma gets to help everyday.  Your lamb plushie has been sitting on my desk while I work. I hug it throughout the day, just to feel close to you.  I hope you're proud of me. It has been hard and I am on a rollercoaster of emotions, but I have been pushing through. I think I am going to be okay, which makes me sad because I don't want to move on without you, but if anything, I need to be okay for you.  Momma loves you, Isabela, forever and ever.  Please keep shining down on me. 💕👼

Baby girl,  Today is August 9, 2020.  Today was supposed to be your baby shower.  The day that you would have been celebrated, anticipated, and showered with love.  I had a purple dress to wear that I felt so pretty and confident in.  It was going to be a brunch, at a beautiful lakeside restaurant.  All of Momma's close friends and family were going to be there. They would have received little succulents as party favors. And you would have gotten the cutest outfits that would have brought me so much joy to see you in.  All of the milestones that I don't get to experience with you hit me like a ton of bricks, and today I can physically feel my heart hurting.  I miss you so much, sweet girl.  I hope you get to have a beautiful baby shower in Heaven today. Because down here on Earth, I am celebrating you. Just like I do every single day.  Mommy loves you Isabela. 💕👼💕

How has it already been 3 months since I held you in my arms? Momma loves you endlessly, Isabela 💕 Do you want my grief, Please for a moment, Take it please, Hold it next to your heart, Feel it burn and tear you apart, Please I beg of you, Ease my mind, Give me sleep for just one night, Get the flashbacks, The heart stopping pangs, The helplessness from losing my way, Can you feel my grief, Hold it close, It will bring you to your knees, Your soul will yell, it will scream, Can you hear it bellow while it takes your peace, Your body aches, your mind stands still, You live in the past, where things were real, Help me friend, I ask of you, Take this grief, for a day or two Written By: Charla Norman (slightly edited by me)

Summer this year feels different.  I would be almost 9 months pregnant by now.  Isabela would weigh about 5 pounds and she would be the size of a pineapple. She would be rolling around like crazy in my belly and I would see her little bum and feet kicking my stomach.  I would be excited about my baby shower and we would be frantically trying to get her nursery done, anxiously awaiting her arrival.  It's an unsettling, heartbreaking feeling that I just can't shake.  There is still some good in my life, though, like these two always keeping me company.  Not a day goes by that I don't smile or laugh at something they did.  I'm so thankful for my two besties, who are always there when I need a good snuggle or cry .

Happy Monday everyone. I am back with a weekend recap, in an attempt to cheer me up a bit. I have admittedly been very emotional the past two or so weeks, and this morning is no exception. I woke up missing my sweet daughter and started flipping through the 23 photos I have of her life. Seeing her cute face made me smile, but also made me sad.  How precious is she? I just love her.  I started thinking about the past couple of days and realized I had a good weekend. I of course forgot to take photos but thought I would share it anyway.  On Saturday morning I went with my mom and sister to get a pedicure. It was literally the best pedicure of my life. I was so relaxed! I chose a coral pink color for my polish and love it. It was my first nail salon outing since COVID but I think the salon did a great job handling things. You are of course required to wear a mask. The nail stations were spaced out and there was plexiglass separating you and the nail tech. They are doing appo...

Holy moly you guys, I have hit the healthy side dish jack pot! I have started cutting carbs and sugars again and came across this awesome recipe for zucchini fries that had me shocked by how good it was. I'm always hesitant when it comes to carb- alternatives and was not sure how this would go over, especially with my husband. Well spoiler alert: we loved it! My hubby, AKA the meat and potatoes guy, went back for seconds. It's a miracle! It was a very simple recipe so I wanted to share it with you all.  What you'll need:  1 large zucchini  2 eggs, beaten  1 cup almond flour  Seasonings of your choice to taste (I did a generous mix of my holy grail cocktail: salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, and paprika) How to: Cut zucchini into fry- sized rectangles Beat 2 eggs in a shallow bowl  Mix together almond flour and seasonings in another shallow bowl/ plate Start dipping! Dip zucchini in the egg first then cover it in the flour mixture Place on a parchme...

So. Embarrassingly, up until June/July of this year, I had only read TWO books in 2020. Who am I? Between pregnancy sickness, emergency surgery, and losing my baby girl, I just couldn't focus. Well, I'm happy to say that I have officially gotten my reading back in the swing of things. I actually have a ton of books to wrap for this post.  Getting back into reading has been so great for me. I have found something to occupy my time and stop my mind from wandering. It's also been a great form of escape. I have been using my library again and as stupid as this sounds, having appointments to go pick up books helps me have something planned for my day. Not to mention I have read some awesome books lately. Let's chat through them, shall we?  A Curse So Dark And Lonely by Brigid Kemmerer This was a YA Beauty and the Beast retelling and oh was it so fun. Great adventures, emotional baggage, secrets, a badass heroine, and a swoony romance.  4 stars!   Scythe by NEAL Shusterman...