Dear Isabela | You were born yesterday, too perfect for this Earth

Our daughter, Isabela Rose, was born and died on May 2nd, 2020. I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and 5 days after a failed emergency cerclage procedure and developing an infection. I had to deliver my perfect baby girl before her body was ready to enter this world, but she was a fighter. She lived for 1 hour and 45 minutes in our arms, and her Daddy and I loved her the best we could during that time. I started writing letters to her the day after she was born, to help me process our immense loss and grief. 

"I lost my heart to you, little one, forever, for always, it's yours." 

-Zoe Clark Coates

May 3rd, 2020 

Baby girl, 

You were born yesterday, too soon and too perfect for this Earth. We said our goodbyes last night and I have never felt more heartbroken in my entire life. We stayed at the hospital last night. They did not want us to go to the postpartum floor so that we wouldn't be surrounded by happy families and healthy babies, so we are on the regular 4th floor instead. Our nurse, Cassandra, is the nicest person I have ever met. She is the one that let us have you with us in our room in the Cuddle Cot, until we decided to say goodbye. She took you away only when we were ready, and was commenting on how beautiful you were. Because baby, you were the most beautiful, perfect little girl we have ever seen. You went downstairs at around 9:15 PM last night, and Daddy and I held each other and just cried and cried for what felt like hours, and it probably was. We miss you so much it hurts. 

I slept so well last night, but only because Cassandra gave Mommy some medicine to sleep. I slept well, but only until I woke up, when I realized you, my baby girl, were gone. You were not inside me,  I couldn't feel your sweet kicks anymore, and you were not in the cooling Cuddle Cot next to my bed. You were gone. And here we were, left to pick up the pieces. To leave labor and delivery without you, our so loved and so wanted baby. To go home to your unfinished nursery, your furniture coming in this week. To our dogs Cooper and Molly, who would have been the best companions for you, our sweet baby girl. To plan a funeral no parent should ever have to do. It was the most heartbreaking feeling I have ever felt. I'm so sorry honey, that this happened. Mommy tried so incredibly hard to keep you safe inside my belly. I'm so sorry that you had to come too soon. I love you forever, my girl, and so does your Daddy. 

"The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke dear,  I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried."

I will never stop saying this, no matter how many times you hear it: I love you, forever and ever, to Jupiter and back. 

Love, 

Mommy