Dear Isabela | Time with friends and missing you

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Our daughter, Isabela Rose, was born and died on May 2nd, 2020. I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and 5 days after a failed emergency cerclage procedure and developing an infection. I had to deliver my perfect baby girl before her body was ready to enter this world, but she was a fighter. She lived for 1 hour and 45 minutes in our arms, and her Daddy and I loved her the best we could during that time. I started writing letters to her the day after she was born, to help me process our immense loss and grief. 

"I lost my heart to you, little one, forever, for always, it's yours." 
-Zoe Clark Coates

May 14th, 2020

Isabela, 

Last night Daddy and I met up with our friends. It was the first time we've socialized out of the house since having to say goodbye to you. The whole day, I felt sick to my stomach, and especially when getting ready and driving there. Why did I deserve to go out and see friends? It felt so wrong.

We met up at a Dunkin' and talked for a few hours in the parking lot. I know, that sounds silly and weird but for some strange reason your Daddy and his best friends have been hanging out at that Dunkin' for well over a decade. I'd always imagined that one day we would get to bring you along, in your carseat, and while the guys would catch up, we'd talk to the girls about life and what's been going on. I'd tell them all about your milestones and they'd take turns holding you. And of course we would make fun of Daddy and how he hates to change your poopy diapers and laugh. It would have been perfect.

For a few moments last night, life felt normal. I would chat with our friends, laugh at a stupid joke, then my heart would seem to stop beating because I would realize that life wasn't normal, and you weren't here with us. And I would get quiet, play with my rings, look down and try to catch my breath and hold back my tears. It was hard to balance missing you and being normal. I think it always will be that way. I just hope you know that I will always think of you, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with, and wish you were with me. 

Mommy loves you, forever and ever, to Jupiter and back. 

Love, 
Mommy


Linking up with Lindsay.  

Comments

  1. Shooting Stars MagMay 21, 2020 at 8:08 AM

    This is really beautiful. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to try and be "normal" while still grieving, but just know that it's okay to grieve. You don't have to fake it if you don't want to, or can't find the energy. I have a friend whose daughter only lived about an hour after birth as well, and it's just heartbreaking. But I'm glad you had those minutes with your little girl.

    -lauren
    www.shootingstarsmag.net

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Felicia (As Told By Felicia)May 22, 2020 at 2:17 PM

      Thank you Lauren. You're so right about not trying to fake it. I'm glad I got those minutes with her, too. ����

      Delete

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