Dear Isabela | Waking up is hard without you here

-
Our daughter, Isabela Rose, was born and died on May 2nd, 2020. I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and 5 days after a failed emergency cerclage procedure and developing an infection. I had to deliver my perfect baby girl before her body was ready to enter this world, but she was a fighter. She lived for 1 hour and 45 minutes in our arms, and her Daddy and I loved her the best we could during that time. I started writing letters to her the day after she was born, to help me process our immense loss and grief. 

"I lost my heart to you, little one, forever, for always, it's yours." 
-Zoe Clark Coates

May 5th, 2020 

Isabela, 

Waking up feeling more and more normal is like taking a piece of heart out every morning. Watching my stomach go down instead of swell up with you inside me is another reminder that you are not here with us. And I'm so sorry my love, that you are in Heaven and not in Mommy's belly. Everyday I cry, beg, and pray to God to let me go back to your really painful bladder kicks and all the uncomfortable sleeping positions. I pray that he takes me back to the aches and pains that reassured me you were growing. Dancing. Able to breathe and feel and starting to hear. I pray that he brings me back to when I could feel you move after eating your favorite foods and you and I could have those special bonding moments at night. To go back to 21 weeks 4 days, so that Daddy might have a chance to feel you doing your flips in Mommy's belly. He never got that blessing, and it breaks my heart. I pray all this, everyday, but mostly I pray that this never happened. And I will never stop. Mommy will always pray for you, for Daddy, for our family. 

I love you, forever and ever, to Jupiter and back. 

Love, 
Mommy 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts to check out!

Friday Favorites! A hodge podge of random things

-
Image
The other day I was going through Goodreads, picking out books I wanted to add to my library wishlist (I always say, searching for books is a completely separate hobby from reading, lol!). I came across Fredrick Bachman's newest release,  Anxious People . I always look at the quotes page to see if I vibe with the author's writing style. Man, does this book have some nuggets of wisdom! There are so many poignant quotes. This one resonated with me, just thinking about how overwhelming life can get when all those little things pile up: "Because the terrible thing about becoming an adult is being forced to realize that absolutely nobody cares about us, we have to deal with everything ourselves now, find out how the whole world works. Work and pay bills, use dental floss and get to meetings on time, stand in line and fill out forms, come to grips with cables and put furniture together, change tires on the car and charge the phone and switch the coffee machine off and not forget
Read more

coffee chat

-
Image
If you and I had coffee, we would likely get a table outside. Mask mandates have been lifted here, so we would be able to feel a bit "normal" while sitting at a coffee shop with our drinks. I would probably put way too much creamer or syrup in my coffee, and you'd tease me and ask if I want some coffee with my cream. I'd roll my eyes but laugh because you're right. I love me a good indulgent coffee. It's the one "unhealthy" thing I won't budge on.  We would catch up, since it's probably been a really long time since we have gotten together in person. We'd agree that while facetime/ Zoom chats were an okay substitute, nothing compares to face-to-face girl time.  I'd tell you about how the weight on my shoulders feels a bit less "heavy" even though every now and again there are still some really dark days. I would admit that though they don't come as frequently anymore, they do come out of the blue. I'd talk about how
Read more

Our Memorial Day Weekend

-
Image
Happy Monday, y'all. I gotta be honest, with everything going on I completely forgot it was Memorial Day weekend! Here's what we got up to.  Friday was an extremely productive day. I got a ton checked off my deep cleaning to-do list, including cleaning out my toaster, deep cleaning the fridge, scrubbing down the cabinets, and taking apart and cleaning the vacuum. I also meal prepped my favorite low-carb Mexican beef casserole and cleaned my kitchen floor. Whew!  I didn't sleep well Friday night, so I slept in late Saturday morning. We had a late brunch and got back to work. Hubby worked in Isabela's room, while I tackled more off my deep cleaning to-do list. Then we worked together to hook up the fridge so we could finally have a working ice maker. By the end of that project I had to reclean my entire kitchen, from dusting to reorganizing cabinets to washing the floor. It was dinner time when we finished- we were both too pooped to cook, so we opted for Portuguese take
Read more