Dear Isabela | Reading books I wish I didn't have to.

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Our daughter, Isabela Rose, was born and died on May 2nd, 2020. I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and 5 days after a failed emergency cerclage procedure and developing an infection. I had to deliver my perfect baby girl before her body was ready to enter this world, but she was a fighter. She lived for 1 hour and 45 minutes in our arms, and her Daddy and I loved her the best we could during that time. I started writing letters to her the day after she was born, to help me process our immense loss and grief. 

"I lost my heart to you, little one, forever, for always, it's yours." 
-Zoe Clark Coates

May 14th, 2020 

Isabela, 

I don't know if you know this, but Mommy loves to read. When I was a little girl, I read so much that sometimes your Grandma had to take away all my books so that I would do something else. Can you imagine that, an elementary student who gets punished because she reads too much? I've always been that way. I've been told I came home from my first day of Kindergarten in tears because I couldn't read yet. Grandma bought me Hooked On Phonics that day so I could start learning. My first book I ever read was Down on the Funny Farm. I bought that book not too long ago, to add to your book shelves. It was my hope and dream that we could bond over the love of books and words, together.

Anyway, ever since we lost you, I have felt... well, lost, too. I don't know anyone who has had to say goodbye to their baby like we did, at least not in the same way. So I turned to my old faithful, books. I have found a few books that seem like they would be helpful, and they have started to trickle in through the mail. I love to read, but I hate that I have to read these kinds of books. Why am I reading something called Loved Baby: Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss or The Baby Loss Guide? Why do these books have to exist? Why do babies have to go to Heaven before they get to live their lives? It just doesn't seem fair. This is my harsh reality, but I hate it. And I don't think I will ever understand. The only thing I do understand, is that I love you, forever and ever, and I miss you so very much. I hope you're doing okay in Heaven, sweet girl, and I especially hope you know that I think about you everyday. Please watch over us, angel. 💕👼 


Love, 
Mommy 

Comments

  1. Shooting Stars MagMay 28, 2020 at 12:19 PM

    Beautiful post. I hate that these things happen. Babies shouldn't die so soon. A friend of mine just recently lost her twins, so she is definitely feeling the same way as you I'm sure. It's just heartbreaking.

    -Lauren
    www.shootingstarsmag.net

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